The Only Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need

Here is a truth most people refuse to accept: your relationship problems are not about your partner. They are about your desires. I spent years studying happiness, wealth, and leverage. But the deepest insights came when I turned that lens on love. Every fight you have, every resentment you carry, every moment of "is this the right person?"—it all traces back to a single source: you are running too many desires simultaneously. Let me define what a relationship actually is. A relationship is not a joint bank account or a shared Netflix password. A relationship is two people contracting with each other for mutual happiness—but most people sign contracts they never read. Here is the framework I use. Every desire is a contract with unhappiness. "I want him to pay for dinner" means "as long as he doesn't, I will be unhappy." "I want her to change" means "as long as she remains the same, I will be unhappy." Now multiply that by fifty active desires. That is not love. That is a war with yourself. I learned this the hard way. Early in my career I thought a partner should complete me. That is a dangerous lie. No one can complete you. The only person who can complete you is you, and that takes decades. A healthy relationship starts with two whole people, not two halves looking for the missing piece. There is research that backs this up. According to a 2023 study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies, couples who report the highest satisfaction score low on "partner should meet my needs" expectations and high on "I am responsible for my own fulfillment." The happiest couples are not the ones who do everything together. They are the ones who do nothing together—and are fine with it. So what do you do with the specific worries in those headlines? The girlfriend who feels repulsed by sexual acts. The boyfriend anxious about the relationship. The parents who are racist. The person paying for everything. The answer is always the same: audit your desires. When you feel repulsed, do not ask "why won't he change." Ask "why am I staying?" That is your desire for comfort, for not being alone, for the story you told yourself. When you feel anxious, do not ask "how can I fix my anxiety." Ask "what contract am I signing every day by staying in this state?" You cannot control the other person. You can only control which desires you operate from. People call this cold. I call it honest. The kindest thing you can do for someone you love is to stop expecting them to make you happy. Then you can actually see them for who they are. That is when real love starts. One more thing. The best test I know: after every interaction, ask yourself—did I feel more free or more trapped? If the answer is trapped, you are not in a relationship. You are in a cage you built. FAQ Q1: How do I know if my partner is wrong for me? The question itself is wrong. Nobody is "right" or "wrong" for you. You either accept them as they are today—not as you hope they will become—or you leave. If you find yourself trying to change them, you have already decided they are not enough. That is your desire speaking, not your love. Q2: Should I leave a relationship that makes me anxious? Anxiety is a signal, not a verdict. If the anxiety comes from your own unresolved desires (fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough), then leaving will not fix it. You will just bring the same anxiety to the next person. If the anxiety comes from their behavior that you have rationally assessed as harmful, then leave. The test: imagine they never change. Can you stay? Q3: Is it wrong to want my partner to pay for things? No. But you should ask yourself what that desire represents. If it is about fairness or practicality, that is fine. If it is about feeling valued or proving something, you are using money to fill an emotional gap. That never works. The real question: would you be happy paying for everything yourself? If the answer is no, you are outsourcing your happiness to their wallet.